A father and an Uncle..

its gonna be an offensive one today.. i dont mean to be rude, or disrespectful or ungrateful or anything.. just read what i have to say.. and bibik, i hope ur reading this since he said u do read my blog.

A father, whose presence wanes in my memories,whose teachings werent really sent across to be comprehend, who wasnt really there for half of my life since the early beginnings in my life. whose existence now eludes me even though we re just a stone throw away.. Instead, it was full of Nenek, Atok (god bless their soul), aunties, uncles and cousins which filled in the space called family..

An Uncle, whom the only few biological links towards my mother's side, started off to be a man of strong faith and unfailingly carries out the duties of the many muslims do.. one who resented his past and thought to have learnt his ways and repented. now at IT again.

i guess they both are. if you know what i mean.

you go on telling me, why dont i call u when i have problems? why dont i even call u.. im just not sure what to do when i even have problems..even when i do, its not that majorly catastrophic that i need to tell anyone.. we re not eurasian kids, we dont deal with the i-have-to-talk-when-i-have-a-problem.. heck, i dont even really have any conversation with the father that i am with now.. im used to it, whenever i do have a problem last time, u werent there. Its always gramps or ur own brothers and sisters.. Even if u did, i wont know what to tell you.. but i got something out of that all, now, i can clean up the mess i started or any shit i landed on my own..

i tried understanding ur situation for the last 17 yrs of my life, frankly speaking, i got sick of it. especially when gramps passed away.. i cant help but think that u had something to do with it.. den again, i may not be right.. and i happened to be able to remember when our family split and i didnt mind one bit having this bitter chpter carved deep in my memories, i gradually accepted this fact when i matured. i thank god my younger brother didnt really got affected by this.

and this uncle. my mom's brother.. goddamnit, ur not even working. i recognize the fact that ur and elder and i will always, unevitably heed to any of ur advice. that includes respecting you.. but how do i do that? i know this is not proven, but from what i heard, maybe the haunting past of your were to overwhelming? how do i hold that respect for you? u even get money from my mom.. sometimes ur money and mom's. whatever happened to that strong faith u had in Allah since u came out from that place? u wanna lay a hand on me if u see me smoking outside? go ahead. i wont stop just because of u and besides, i work.

and..
I smoke. its out.. i cant take u adults breathing down my neck anymore, seriously.. its not something that i would be proud of and also a path which i didnt have to take. But i did.. u guys are concern for my health, for the consequences that would come along with it, heck, which adults dont care for their child? i appreaciate all these.. and im sad to dissapoint u guys.. im sure both of them up there are too.. and by god, i swear, i feel the most shittiest to have make them feel that way despite for what they ve done when bringing me up.. i know this dosent defines clearly why i would want to smoke, infact, i dont really have a reason for wanting to..

i realised that this is way out of line of me to speak, but its what i feel. deep down, who dosent love any family members that they have?

ya know, this is one thing abt family..
you may hate them, quarrel with them
fight with them, have a never ending fued..
but at the end of the day, they re the ones that you are willing to take a bullet for.