A week ago, during the APEC deployment/confinement, i wanted to blog about something down.
Since today is the last day of my leave, i decided that im going to because its affecting me. Kinda.
Its nothing serious really. If you read my facebook, it says "bloody old fart PTI making me dread going to work" Yeah, this post coincides with that. Its affect me so much that each time i think about tommorrow and the working days to come, i just feel like shit. That dreadful feeling. The same kinda feeling like as though it was back then, when im about to experience the gas chamber. That kind of feeling.
I do respect this mentioned person, the "bloody old fart". What he wants is for me to show to him what im made of. Fair enough, each and every start has something like this, always. To gain respect and fill expectations. But, things is, im getting weary of shit like this.. Its always like this from the beginning. Its inevitable in life, im aware of that fact.
See, i never was a fit person to begin with. As much as i wanted this SOC vocation, since the day i got it, i have like this very very very big shoes to fill in. I toiled and endured, since theres no other options. I though, after basic course, the sufferings, expectations all that crap would simmer down a notch. Im proud of myself in my hard-earn, physical fitness level. Its crap when compared to the best but its the best that ive never reached before.
This "old fart" was fit during his heydays, and up till he was late thirties, he could do an 8min 2.4km. Everything is documented. Yeah, okay, you re fit. I get that. This is about him, that annoys and irritate me. Dreading everytime i see him.
Since ive entered troop kilo charlie his arrogant, big-balls no fury attitude was norm to every new SCs. I can take that. grumpy old man maybe. I thought. Then he names me, Gary, because whenever he sees me, i happen to be scratching. So Scratching in malay goes garuk/garok, hence the name Gary. After that, its Oscar the grouch, because everytime i answer him, i go, uh. I didnt mind the naming, really. As long as they enjoy, gets the laugh out of it, fine by me. This next one is the main big-time irritation and the epitome of annoyance. His fucking "Suicide test" whatever the fuck there is to it. Its when i get to show what im made of to him. Proving that i am fit enough to be where i am at. This fucking test could make me puke and all that crap. My troopmates are living testimony. The levels there is to it.
When i heard it from him for the first time, like everybody else, you'd go, okay. I just have to do it when it comes. But after that first time, each and everytime i fucking see him, he just wouldnt stop talking about it. Kept saying all the while. fuck. really. Just typing all this time makes me feel annoyed.
You know, when he does this test on me, i may not even be able to complete it at all. I'd admit to say that even now, i dont think im fit enough to be where im at. To do what he wants. But one thing i know, ive earned what i have now with my sincere hardwork, blood sweat and tears.
Literally.
I feel like ive wasted my time and yours too for reading. fuck.
however, phew, atleast i let it out.. Rather than in his face.